Introduction
Hey, beautiful soul. In the last few blog posts, I shared parts of my dilator journey. Read about weeks 1 and 2, weeks 3 and 4, weeks 5 and 6, and weeks 7 and 8. Since today’s post builds on those, I suggest hopping over and reading those first, if you haven’t already. It is essential to read those posts to understand some of the technical language I will use in this post.
Today, I break from the diary-style entry blogs of my week-to-week experience with dilators. Instead, I focus more on the dynamic between my husband and me during this process and how he helped me, and I share a super intimate and vulnerable moment. This post will be TMI, so if that’s not your thing, click out. For example, it will include discussions about oral sex, masturbation, and lube.
How I Brought My Husband into My Dilator Process
In my last post, I shared how I invited my husband to sit on the bed with me and stay while I worked with my dilators and dildo.
During the following weeks, he continued to sit by my side as I worked with the dilators and dildo. Initially, we would be quiet, and I mostly just had him sit and watch. I wanted to focus on what I was doing, and have him just observe how I used them. We would occasionally talk, but we kept things pretty low-key. Part of why I kept conversation to a minimum was so I could focus on the movements and what I needed to do.
After a few sessions of this, I grew very comfortable doing this with him watching. As my comfort grew, we started chatting. Eventually, we would tell each other about our days while I would use the IRAS technique with the dilators and slide the dildo in and out. Importantly, we moved at a pace that felt right for us. Both of us felt quite comfortable with how things were progressing.
Letting My Husband Use Dilators on Me
A couple of weeks later, I had asked my husband if he would be willing to use the dilators on me. He said, “Of course”. The next day, I used the dilators on myself and explained how I inserted them, how I moved them, etc. After explaining the process, he took over with the dilators.
Initially, it was a bit strange to have him use them on me. There wasn’t pain or discomfort, it just felt a bit different, and I could tell because my muscles would start to tense up again. However, when my muscles would tense, I would ask him to pause. During that pause, I would do some deep diaphragmatic breathing and actively work on softening and relaxing my muscles. Once I felt a shift in the tension, I would ask him to continue.
Why Bringing Him into My Dilator Journey Was Important
We continued this over the next few days, alternating between me using them and him using them. It was important to me to include him for several reasons.
- Normalize using dilators.
- Normalize sexual intimacy as being broader than penis-in-vagina sex.
- Help him feel comfortable around the concept of penetration again. This happened through continuously seeing dilators and my dildo be inserted into my vagina without my cringing in pain.
- Build his confidence that he can have sex with me. This is important because he was very afraid of hurting me. Therefore, showing him that I can insert the dildo without pain worked to slowly help build back his confidence.
- Continue to build an open and honest sex life with him.
I truly believe we deepened our intimacy and connection by working through this together, as a team.
An Unexpected Surprise
One day, I was doing my dilators in the morning like I always did. However, something was different this morning. I felt deep in my gut I was ready. I just knew. It was a bodily kind of knowing. With that, I went to my husband and asked if he wanted to try having sex.
Importantly, we had had conversations about having sex again before this. We had decided that when we were ready, we’d give it a try. However, we were going to go into it with no hard expectations. We were going to treat him almost as another dilator. That is, after my dilators and dildo, we’d see if he could similarly enter me. And, to be honest, I thought our first time would be just that.
However, this time, when he went inside of me, I experienced no pain whatsoever. We both quickly realized there was no pain, and it felt good, so we continued. Not only was I able to have pain-free sex with my husband that morning, but it was pleasurable, and I was able to orgasm.
More Good News
Furthermore, I was astounded when I went to urinate after to find there was no stinging or burning. Previously, it would always sting and burn when I peed after sex, likely due to tearing and fissures.
I was completely overwhelmed with emotion that morning and cried tears of joy afterward. It was just an amazing culmination of so much hard work and a lot of pain and suffering. My journey had a lot of ups and downs, and, to be honest, in the beginning, I truly believed I’d never been able to have penetrative sex again.
Moreover, it was emotional because, at that point, I couldn’t remember a time when sex didn’t at least cause me a bit of discomfort. At best, there was mild discomfort, at worst (which was the majority of the last few years leading to my diagnosis) there was excruciating pain, and my skin would tear and bleed. The fact that my body was able to have sex without any discomfort was overwhelming in the most beautiful and poignant way.
My Mental Health after Having Sex for the First Time in Over a Year
While there were emotions such as joy, gratitude, and surprise, there were some worries that crept up. For example, I was worried having penetrative sex would result in a flare. While I didn’t tear during sex, it was still possible that the penetration could trigger a flare. And, since I was in remission, I was afraid it would knock me out of remission.
Further, I was worried that maybe this was a fluke. I thought maybe this was just luck, and the next time we would try I would tear, experience pain, and/or trigger a flare. However, this wasn’t the case. We had sex a couple more times that week and no pain or flare occurred. In time, the volume on my fears subsided and my confidence grew.
Start Your Journey from Painful Sex to Pain-free Sex Today!
Are you struggling with painful sex due to lichen sclerosus? Have you heard about using dilators for painful sex but have no idea where to start? Are you looking for dilator information specific to lichen sclerosus?
If so, I've got you covered. I created a comprehensive ebook called ‘Dilators and Lichen Sclerosus: How to Go From Painful Sex to Pain-free Sex'. This ebook teaches you all the things you need to know to help you get from painful sex to pleasurable, pain-free sex. Plus, unlike other dilator books on the market, this ebook was written specifically with a focus on folks with lichen sclerosus who experience pain with sex. Click here to watch my presentation on going from painful sex to pain-free sex before getting your book today.
Conclusion
In sum, my journey to pain-free sex with lichen sclerosus was long and winding. It didn’t begin with dilators; it began with me making the active choice to respect and honor my body by stepping away from penetrative sex. Further, it involved working with both a sex therapist to address the mental components of intimacy and sex and a pelvic floor physiotherapist to help with the physical aspects of painful sex. Additionally, it was important to me to find a treatment plan that allowed my lichen sclerosus to be managed and for my skin to heal.
Watch my interviews with my husband to learn more about LS from the perspective of a partner living with someone with LS.
- Part One: Starting at the beginning. My husband talks about when he realized something was off with me “down there” and how this made him feel.
- Part Two: We discuss how my husband felt when I got my lichen sclerosus diagnosis and when I told him we needed to stop having penetrative sex for an indefinite amount of time.
- Part Three: My husband and I discuss the lead-up to our being able to have penetrative sex again.
Reach Out to Me
If you want to chat with me about dilators or Lichen Sclerosus, I can be reached at:
Instagram: @thelostlabiachronicles
Facebook: @TheLostLabiaChronicles
Email: lostlabiachronicles@gmail.com
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Resources
Disclaimer:
*The Lost Labia Chronicles does not provide medical advice or engage in the practice of medicine. The information provided by The Lost Labia Chronicles is for education and entertainment purposes only and does not under any circumstances constitute medical advice. Please consult with your healthcare provider before making any changes to your healthcare plan.