My last few blog posts have been focused on mental health and Lichen Sclerosus. I wrote about anger and Lichen Sclerosus here, as well as The Paralyzing Strength of Fear When You Have Lichen Sclerosus, Fear and the Power of Education Part 1, and Fear and the Power of Education Part 2. Additionally, I have a piece on grief and Lichen Sclerosus here, and I have an ongoing project called The Grief Project which features stories from different people with Lichen Sclerosus (scroll to the bottom for the link and for details if you would like to participate). In this post, I continue on the topic of mental health and Lichen Sclerosus, but instead of focusing on a particular emotion, I will discuss how writing in a gratitude journal can make your journey with Lichen Sclerosus a little bit lighter. I begin by discussing the events that led to me hitting rock bottom, why I started to write in a gratitude journal, and how it can help you when processing living with Lichen Sclerosus.
*A caveat: you may not be ready to start a gratitude journal and that is OK. I'm sharing my experience and what helped me find space in my heart for acceptance with respect to my Lichen Sclerosus. Further, journaling isn't for everyone; you may instead experiment with dance, painting, therapy, or other activities.
Don’t forget to read until the end for this week’s #TLLCTuesdayTip.
Also, if you haven't gotten my FREE eBook “Three Key Things To Have In Place When You Have Vulvar Lichen Sclerosus”, be sure to get the ebook here.
Before I discuss gratitude journaling and the ways in which it might be helpful for you in processing and living with Lichen Sclerosus, I want to set the stage for what led up to me starting to write in a gratitude journal.
2019 was a particularly emotionally challenging year for me. I was in my last year of finishing up my Ph.D., which, let me just tell you, is stressful in itself. Furthermore, during this time, I was highly medicated for a very painful nerve condition in my face.
This cocktail of medications was highly sedative and came with some awful side effects such as memory loss, dizziness, profound fatigue, confusion, and nausea.
Additionally, I was becoming more and more mentally distraught over an array of physical symptoms on my vulva. A large part of this distress was the fact that my symptoms were getting significantly worse, but despite this, I continued to be dismissed by every doctor I saw.
“You’re fine, I see nothing wrong with you. You probably just need to relax”.
I was told this time after time since 2009, which is when I first started showing symptoms of Lichen Sclerosus (although I didn’t know it to be Lichen Sclerosus at the time).
However, by March 2019, things were at their absolute worse. I was in agony. Penetrative sex was excruciating, and I tore almost every time. Consequently, I was plagued with constant stinging and burning from these tears and fissures. This wreaked havoc on my mental health. I felt like I was losing my mind. Furthermore, I had so much internalized guilt about having so much difficulty with sex. I was terrified it was going to ruin my marriage.
Therefore, at this stage of my life, my anxiety was at its worst, and I was sick, in pain, stressed out, and tortured by a disease I had yet to be diagnosed with. Clearly, gratitude was one of the furthest things from my mind during this time.
One evening, after sobbing in my husband’s arms after a panic attack, we were eating dinner. I had asked him about his day, and he started to tell me about how one of his colleagues just finished a 100-day gratitude challenge.
We started talking about the concept of a gratitude challenge and decided it might be good for my mental health. My husband suggested it may help reinforce the idea that some days are good, some are bad, but that even in the awful days, there are some tiny gems to be grateful for (even if they are incredibly small and seemingly trivial). And I knew, from my time in and out of therapy, there was something to physically writing something down versus just thinking it. Thus, I decided this might be helpful for me and might pull me out of the dark abyss I felt trapped in.
A couple of days later, my husband surprised me with a gratitude journal.
My husband got me a gratitude journal that had an entry for every day of the year. For each day, there were three lines to write what you were grateful for. Additionally, each day had 10 faces representing your overall mood (e.g., neutral, sad, frowny, happy, joyful). At the end of each week, you were to write down the highlights of your week.
Now, I won’t lie, this didn’t really have much of an impact for a while. But I did it anyway. I figured, “why not? It only takes about 3 minutes of my day”. Furthermore, I knew that seeing results takes time and consistency. For example, when I first started yoga, I could barely do a tree pose. However, with time and dedicated practice, I really grew into and fell in love with yoga; but that growth took time. I figured the same theory applied to seeing results with gratitude journaling.
Thus, each day I would write down at least three things I was grateful for. Some days, I would fill it up with 6+ things I was grateful for. Other days, however, were a challenge, and sometimes I just wrote down, “I’m grateful for my bed”, “I’m grateful for the warmth of my mug in my hand”, “I’m grateful I have a roof over my head”.
I started gratitude journaling on March 27th, 2019. I still do it every day, and it's the start of 2022. Thus, I’ve been at this for quite some time. And let me tell you I am so grateful I started this practice (pun intended)!
Since I started gratitude journaling, it reinforced the notion that there is always something to be grateful for, even on the worst of days. There is a quote by Henri Matisse that always stuck with me.
“There are always flowers for those who want to see them.” – Henri Matisse
After a while of gratitude journaling, I began to truly see the flowers around me, even when it was stormy and grey; there was still beauty, there were still things to be grateful for even when I felt like I was watching my world collapse around me. In time, this softened me. I began to feel gratitude deep in my bones, even when I was in pain. This made me realize that you can feel both good and bad simultaneously.
Interestingly, when I go back and read through my past journals, I can see where things start to really shift for the better. For example, things started to shift as I really leaned into mindfulness practice, attended an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy workshop, and started sex therapy. Things started to shift even more after attending my first Lichen Sclerosus Support Virtual Meetup (I attended every one thereafter). This meetup provided me with a sense of support and community that I so desperately needed. Ever since that meetup, I can see more and more gratitude entries on Lichen Sclerosus Support Network.
*If you are interested in joining one of these virtual meetups, click the button below.
As I continued working on my mental health and learning about Lichen Sclerosus through the network, I went into remission. I believe that to manage Lichen Sclerosus means looking at healing from all angles, not just the physical. Gratitude journaling really helped reinforce and deepen my feelings of gratitude, and this, over time, helped lessen the mental pain I was feeling.
Lastly, another aspect of gratitude journaling is having something tangible to look back on during hard times. That is, even on days when I would find three things to write in my journal, some of those days were rough. An unexpected flare could send me into a downward spiral pretty fast. And, on those days, one thing I loved to do was open up my journals and read through the days, weeks, months, and now years. Reading all the beauty that my life was filled with, despite living with chronic illness and mental health issues, never fails to lift my spirits. It brings to the forefront joyful memories and experiences I had forgotten about, because when we are hurting (mentally or physically), our minds often fixate on the bad and forget about the good.
In sum, gratitude journaling has helped me recognize that even though I might be in pain, there are still wonderful things in my life to be grateful for each and every day. This change didn't occur overnight; it happened over months and years, but the point is my pain and the heaviness I carried from living with Lichen Sclerosus slowly diminished. Further, I now have three journals to read through when I'm having a hard time and feel like everything is dark and grey. I provided some generalized tips for starting to use a gratitude journal if you'd like to start.
Accountability is important to some of you. In the LS Warriors membership, we have done a few gratitude journal and gratitude challenges together as a group. They really help you connect to others with Lichen Sclerosus, and we help keep you accountable.
Want to learn more about the LS Warriors and join the waitlist? Click the button below for details!
#TLLCTuesdayTip: Find a way to journal that fits your lifestyle, whether that means you make your own journal or buy one, do it in the mornings or evenings, etc. Find a way that makes it easy for you to incorporate this into your every day life.
The Grief Project is a collection of voices from people with Lichen Sclerosus across the globe, sharing their experiences and journey with grief. The purpose of this project is threefold. First, the goal is to create a space for others to safely share their experience with grief. Second, my hope is writing will be therapeutic, cathartic, and provide you with some important insights about yourself. Third, the purpose of The Grief Project is to normalize these types of discussions about Lichen Sclerosus and mental health.
You can contribute in a number of ways such as:
A) Writing your own piece and choosing your own images.
B) Writing your own piece but having me choose the images.
C) Doing a virtual interview with me and I would write out the interview and you choose pictures you’d like.
D) Doing a virtual interview with me and I would write out the interview and I’d choose the pictures.
If you would like to contribute, please reach out to me via one of the options below.
Whether you want to contribute to The Grief Project or you want to chat with me personally, you can contact me in the following ways:
Instagram: @thelostlabiachronicles
Facebook: @TheLostLabiaChronicles
Email: lostlabia@lichensclerosuspodcast.com
Do you want more support in your journey with Lichen Sclerosus? Consider joining our Lichen Sclerosus Support Virtual Meetups. We meet bi-weekly, every other Saturday from 2-4 and 7-9 pm EST. These meetups are a safe space for you to share your story, cry, celebrate, vent, ask questions, and be a part of a community of support. Click the button below to sign up!
*The Lost Labia Chronicles does not provide medical advice or engage in the practice of medicine. The information provided by The Lost Labia Chronicles is for education and entertainment purposes only and does not under any circumstances constitute medical advice. Please consult with your healthcare provider before making any changes to your healthcare plan.
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