Hey, beautiful soul. In my last couple of blog posts, I shared my dilator journey. I've broken it up into weeks 1 and 2 of my journey and weeks 3 and 4 of my journey. As today’s post is a continuation of those, I suggest heading over and reading them first, if you haven’t already. It is essential to read those posts to understand some of the technical language I will use in this post. Today, I will continue my journey into weeks 5 and 6. It is very raw, and very much TMI, so if that’s not your thing, click out. This post includes mention of vibrators, masturbation, lube, and orgasms. I also address a common question of if my husband knew I was working with dilators and how he reacted. Another question was if he did the dilators with me. I answer both later in this post.
In addition to highlighting the physical aspects of my journey, I document how working with dilators affected my mental health. It is important to me to be transparent and open about my journey with you. I believe in discussing the good, the bad, and the neutral to give you an idea of the things you may encounter on your own journey.
I am sharing my journey in the hopes that it will help you in your journey. Regardless of where you are in your dilator journey, a key thing to remember is progress isn’t linear. You may run into roadblocks, and that’s OK. It’s part of the journey. Click here to read up about progress, Lichen Sclerosus, and mental health.
My protocol for week 5 was pretty similar to previous weeks, with a couple of small changes. I did my dilators six out of the seven days. Each day I spent approximately 15-30 minutes using them. The longer sessions were usually because I chose to masturbate before or after.
I continued using them first thing in the morning. It was quite nice to do them first thing in the morning for a number of reasons. First, I was relaxed since I just woke up and didn’t have work/life stress heavy on my mind. Second, as someone who is self-admittedly a bit addicted to my cell phone, it felt nice to not roll over and scroll right away. Instead of scrolling, I now explored and re-learned my body via meditation, body scans, dilators, touch, etc.
As in previous weeks, I started by using the smallest dilator, checking for any trigger points and releasing any I found. At this point in my journey, I really wasn’t finding many anymore. I guess my pelvic floor muscles were finally starting to calm. After, I would perform the IRAS technique (see this post for details on the IRAS technique).
This time, instead of continuing with one of my larger dilators, I started with one of the vibrators I purchased. This vibrator was similar in length and width to the size of my third/fourth dilator. I experimented a bit but moved slowly and mindfully in my experimentation. I did my IRAS stretches with the vibrator and also moved it slowly in and out.
Further, when I was done with the IRAS technique, I’d glide it gently over my clitoral area. I did this not to masturbate, but rather to encourage blood flow to the area. Blood flow is important for healthy tissue; read my post about this here. After, I continued with IRAS with my fifth dilator. I would wrap it up with some strumming and scooping with my smallest dilator (read more about two advanced dilator techniques called strumming and scooping). Finally, when I was feeling it, I would masturbate. Of the six days I used my dilators, I masturbated five days and managed to orgasm on four of those days.
About midway through the week, I started feeling confident. I wasn’t experiencing any pain, and discomfort was super minimal. Thus, I wanted to transition from dilator five to something bigger, as the fifth dilator was the largest in my set. More specifically, I wanted something that resembled a penis to help me transition from dilators to penis-in-vagina sex. Dr. Jeffcoat recommends this and discusses this transition in her book (see Resources below).
In last week’s post, I discussed I had purchased two vibrators. One was rather slim, and the other was more in the shape of a penis. Unfortunately, the penis-shaped vibrator broke immediately. Thus, I decided to head on over to a sex shop where I could interact with an actual human to help me choose a dildo.
I went to a local sex shop in my area to look for a dildo that was comparable to the size of my husband’s penis. Thus, I bought an 8-inch dildo with the help of an incredibly sweet and supportive person working at the sex shop. I was a little overwhelmed when I walked in, and I immediately confided in him. I told him about my LS, what that meant, how I was working with dilators, and what I wanted the dildo for. And y’all, this is why I love sex shops. He was so understanding and non-judgmental that I almost wanted to cry. He then chatted with me for about 15 minutes as we discussed different models and settled on a bright pink, 8-inch dildo.
On day 4 of week 5, I decided to give the dildo ago after doing my vibrator and IRAS with my fifth dilator. I had no illusions about getting it into my vagina all the way. I intended to move mindfully, slowly, and without judgment. By ‘without judgment’, I mean regardless of if I could get it in or how far I could get it in, I wasn’t going to judge it as good or bad. Instead, I wanted to focus on sensations in my body.
This week, I was only able to get it about ¼ to ½ of the day in, depending on the day. I used a lot of coconut oil, but it felt very ‘stuck’ and tight. There was some discomfort to this tight/stuck feeling, but no acute sharp pain. I figured this would probably take some time for my body to get used to. Therefore, my goal was to be loving and patient with my body as she opened up to the dildo.
My dilator protocol for week 6 was rather similar to week 5. That is, I checked for trigger points with my smallest dilator, did my IRAS technique with the vibrator and the fifth dilator, and worked on trying to insert and move the dildo in and out. I would masturbate at the end (clitorally), and on the majority of the days, I managed to orgasm.
By week 6, I started to notice the discomfort at the 6 o'clock area had stopped. I’m not sure if working with the vibrator helped that, or if it was 6 consistent weeks of working slowly and gently to desensitize that area.
Either way, it felt good to log it in my journal and see some physical improvements happening.
During week five, I was able to get the dildo in either ¼ or ½ of the way, depending on the day. This week, I got it in a bit further, about ¾ of the way. However, there are a few important notes here.
First, although I managed to get it ¾ of the way in on a couple of days, it felt very tight. There was some minor discomfort with that tightness. Further, although I could get it ¾ of the way in, it was very difficult to move it in and out. It felt a bit stuck and as if there wasn’t enough space to accommodate its size. I speculated this to be in part due to me only recently working with the dildo and because the coconut oil wasn’t working as a lube for this toy. Thus, I told myself to be patient when working with the dildo. It would take the time that it needed. I would be loving and patient as my body once again learned this object was not a threat and I was safe. Furthermore, I decided to look into different lube options; more on that later.
Second, I did seem to hit a literal wall with the dildo. At about ¾ of the way, I felt like I hit a wall in my vagina. It was as if it was impossible to get it any farther. While this didn’t hurt, per se, it felt like my body was giving me a hard stop. Again, I decided to react with patience and respect for my body’s signals and didn’t try to push past the wall.
While things went relatively smoothly this week, I did notice some blood while I was cleaning up after using my dilators and dildo one morning. It seemed to be coming from the 6 o’clock area, which is the area I used to commonly tear. However, upon examination, I couldn’t see a tear and the bleeding wasn’t much and subsided quickly. I didn’t feel any pain or burning from it.
Thus, I determined it was likely a micro-tear and decided to treat it as a tear, as per the instructions of my gynecologist.
That is, when I asked him what to do if I tore during sex, he told me to apply coconut oil to the area and abstain from penetrative sex for a couple of days as I heal. So I did this and, after a mini-break, got back to the dilators.
During weeks 5 and 6, I did experience a minor setback and a couple of bumps in the road. Specifically, I bled a little after using dilators one day and hit a literal wall with the dildo. Despite this, I managed to stay in pretty good spirits. And, when I started to feel worried or caught myself in negative self-talk, I would take a moment, pause, and then remind myself of how far I’d come. Because I’m a very visual person, I would open up my journal and read my actual entries as physical evidence of how far I’d come.
For example, when I first bought my set of dilators, I was crying over the smallest one, thinking there is no way I could get that in. And then reading my slow and steady progress, despite some bumps in the road, it was clear I’d come a long way.
Furthermore, I kept reminding myself that progress isn’t linear. Read my post on Lichen Sclerosus and progress here.
Overall, I felt pretty comfortable with how things were progressing. I do think I had an easier time than I initially expected. After all, my LS was in remission, I had worked through a lot of mental stuff about sex with my sex therapist, and I didn’t give myself any hard timelines or expectations. Read about the importance of not setting hard timelines here.
During weeks 5 and 6, I began to understand the importance of good lube. Coconut oil worked well with my smaller dilators (1-3) but didn’t perform as well with the larger dilators (4-5). With the bigger dilators, as well as the dildo, the coconut oil didn’t seem thick enough to provide the comfort and lubrication I was looking for.
I did a bit of research and purchased a few lubes to try out. These included Uberlube, Yes WB, and Aloe Cadabra. If you are curious about lubes, check out this episode I did on Lichen Sclerosus Podcast.
I have been completely transparent with my husband about everything Lichen Sclerosus from the beginning. Even before I was diagnosed, I would tell him when I was burning, itching, etc.
After getting diagnosed, I told him everything my general physician told me. He listened as I cried that day, and for months after. I told him I wanted to see a pelvic health physiotherapist and a sex therapist; he fully supported both. I started using dilators shortly after my diagnosis, but, due to a bad flare, I put them aside shortly after and decided to take an indefinite break from anything penetrative. Read about why I initially stopped using dilators here. Again, my decision was met with his full support and compassion. Check out my interview with my husband on sex and intimacy on my YouTube channel here.
When I decided to try dilators again, this was a conversation I had with him. We spoke about why I wanted to try and how I knew I was ready. He also asked me what I needed from him to support me in my journey. He helped me shop for vibrators and gave me some great advice. Throughout my journey, I would keep him updated on how it was going if there was pain/discomfort, and how I was feeling mentally.
My husband did not participate in my dilator sessions up until this point. It was important for me to foster a safe space within my own body and space first. Part of that involves being very mindful of sometimes subtle sensations in my body and the thoughts/emotions that are connected to them. I’d have a harder time doing this with him present. Further, I feel there’d be an (admittedly self-imposed) expectation to achieve some kind of desired result. Thus, I chose to focus on becoming comfortable in my skin, re-learning my body, and feeling empowered by my dilator work first.
My husband and I had a conversation about him coming in later in the process. We decided when I was ready for this, we would start by having him just sit on the bed and be present with me while I did them. Later on, I would show him how I use the dilators and have him use them on me. Stay tuned; more on this in future blogs.
In sum, weeks 5 and 6 of working with dilators went well. I discovered I needed to find a thicker, longer-lasting lube than coconut oil. I hit a bit of a setback when I realized I probably tore a little one time as there was blood, but I responded calmly to this and just took a bit of a rest.
A big part of keeping my mental health stable during this process was reminding myself that progress isn’t linear and that I never gave myself any strict timelines. For example, I never said by week 10 I will be having penetrative sex. I decided my journey would unfold in due time, and I’d have penetrative sex when it was safe and healthy for my body and when my husband and I felt ready.
If you want to chat with me about dilators or LS, I can be reached at:
Instagram: @thelostlabiachronicles
Facebook: @TheLostLabiaChronicles
Email: lostlabiachronicles@gmail.com
Do you want more support in your journey with Lichen Sclerosus? Consider joining our Lichen Sclerosus Support Virtual Meetups. We meet bi-weekly, every other Saturday from 2-4 and 7-9 pm EST. These meetups are a safe space for you to share your story, cry, celebrate, vent, ask questions, and be a part of a community of support. Click the button below to sign up!
Get Dr. Heather Jeffcoat's book “Sex Without Pain” here.
*The Lost Labia Chronicles does not provide medical advice or engage in the practice of medicine. The information provided by The Lost Labia Chronicles is for education and entertainment purposes only and does not under any circumstances constitute medical advice. Please consult with your healthcare provider before making any changes to your healthcare plan.
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