Hey, beautiful soul. In the last few blog posts, I shared parts of my dilator journey. Read about weeks 1 and 2, weeks 3 and 4, and weeks 5 and 6. As today’s post is a continuation of those, I suggest heading over and reading them first, if you haven’t already. It is essential to read those posts to understand some of the technical language I will use in this post.
Today, I talk about my dilator journey for weeks 7 & 8. This post will be TMI, so if that’s not your thing, click out. It will include discussions about oral sex, masturbation, and lube. In addition to highlighting the physical aspects of my journey, I document how working with dilators affected my mental health. I had a pretty big mental health breakthrough this week, and I can’t wait to share this with you.
I am sharing my journey in the hopes that it will help you in your journey. Regardless of where you are in your dilator journey, a key thing to remember is progress isn’t linear. You may run into roadblocks, and that’s OK. It’s part of the journey. Read about progress, mental health, and Lichen Sclerosus here.
For week 7, I began by using the smallest dilator to check for any trigger points. At this point, I didn’t have any trigger points but decided to check in case. After, I used my internal vibrator (the size of my number 3-4 dilator) to perform the IRAS technique. I then continued this technique with my number 5 dilator, which is the largest dilator in my kit. Each time I would stretch the dilator in the 4, 6, and 8 o’clock positions, I would hold the stretch for about 30-60 seconds. Finally, I would continue working gently with the dildo I bought.
Read why I chose to incorporate a dildo into my dilator protocol.
Depending on the morning, I might also use the vibrator on my clitoris to orgasm, which I’m still able to do successfully and have been able to achieve about 85% of the time I masturbate.
At this point, I was still only able to get the dildo in about ½ to ¾ of the way, depending on the day. When I would insert it, it felt very tight. The tightness didn’t cause pain, but instead, it felt more like irritation and discomfort.
When working with the dildo, I would insert it as much as I could without pain and leave it there. While it was inside me, I would lay there focusing on deep, nourishing, diaphragmatic breathes. Sometimes I would play a short meditation while it was in there. I did this because I wanted to foster a calm, soothing, and safe environment so that once again, my pelvic floor could learn to relax and open up. Other times I would very gently and slowly guide it in and out, trying to accustom my body to that kind of movement.
However, I kind of plateaued with my dildo insofar as my not being able to insert further than ½ to ¾ of the way inside me. I felt like I came up against a wall when inserting it, and I still was feeling tight and irritated.
It was clear to me that I would be continuing to work with the dildo after doing my dilators for another month or two.
A big learning moment for me in my dilator journey was the importance of setting realistic expectations. Thus, instead of giving myself one month to be able to fully insert the dildo and have sex again, I told myself it’ll probably take at minimum a couple of months before feeling comfortable with the dildo. Further, I gave myself an unlimited amount of time to try having sex again. I would try to have penetrative sex again when it felt right and safe for me and my husband, no earlier, no later.
I chose not to rush the process and instead be present with the process. I focused my energy on becoming more in-tune with and at home in my body. Not giving myself a timeline was incredibly freeing and allowed me to do what was necessary for my healing journey.
My mantra for this process is to listen to my body, to be compassionate, patient, and to surrender.
I continued with the same protocol as I used for week 7, except that I stopped using them and took four days off that week. This is because mid-week I woke up feeling sick. I think it was a bad virus or something (nausea, diarrhea, headache, fatigue, chills), and there was no way I was going to do my dilators.
I felt too awful and instead just wanted to take it easy and allow my body to do what it needed to do to get better.
I chose to take some days off, and, importantly, this decision felt very light to me. As someone with anxiety and obsessive tendencies, it was huge that I was able to step away and not feel consumed with worry, fear, or guilt.
Previously, I very likely would have felt guilty for not continuing work with my dilators daily. Or I would have been consumed with intrusive thoughts telling me, “Now you’ll lose all your progress”, and “Since you’re taking time off when you try again it’s going to hurt so bad and you may tear”.
However, this time the decision to step back felt very light and easy. Further, I felt proud of myself for honoring my body. And so, week 8 ended with me, in bed, heating pad on full blast, binge-watching Bridgerton, and eating ramen.
During week 7, one of my lubes came in. This was the unscented version of Aloe Cadabra. Before this, I was using coconut oil but found it wasn’t thick enough when working with larger dilators and the dildo. Thus, I purchased a couple of different lubes online to try out.
Importantly, before really using the lube, I did a patch test. This is where you test a small amount of product on a small part of the vulva to see if you react to this. I tested a small pea-sized amount on my left labia minora. It felt very hydrating and cooling, as you might imagine aloe vera would feel. Learn more about how I do patch tests and best lubricants for LS here.
After a couple of days of patch testing, I tried some on my dilators and dildo. It felt very nice and soothing, but I think I was hoping for something more substantial. My other lubes hadn’t arrived yet, so I continued working with this for weeks 7 and 8.
In my last post, I addressed the question of whether my husband knew I was working with dilators and if he was involved.
At that point, I noted he knew I was working with them, but I worked with the dilators alone in our bedroom. Read about this decision here.
However, one morning this changed when my husband asked if he could go down on me. I said yes, and it was amazing. After, I decided to do my dilators, and for whatever reason – post-orgasm bliss, perhaps – I asked if he wanted to stay with me. Further, I asked if I could show him how I do my stretches and explain my process.
He said absolutely, and I showed him the IRAS technique, explaining what I was doing and how I felt. My husband sat and listened, and we chatted together while I worked with the dilators. He also stayed with me as I inserted the dilator and moved it in and out.
I needed to show him how I use my dilators because just as I had to relearn my body, he would have to as well. I wanted him to understand what I was doing and why.
Additionally, I wanted to show him that I could insert the dildo halfway and move it in and out without any pain. This is massive. Before this, any penetrative in-and-out movement would cause me to cringe in pain and apprehension. But here I was, gliding it in and out, talking to him without grimacing.
He needed to see this because just as I had my fears about trying to have sex again, he had his. If you watched my interview with my husband, you’ll know that he had a lot of fear about hurting me and causing permanent damage. He was worried about tearing me and my vulva bleeding. Further, he didn’t want to do something that I wouldn’t enjoy. And because penetrative sex always caused me pain, I wanted to show him that, “Hey, there is hope, this doesn’t hurt me, and it’s the same size as you”.
In sum, I knew I was making progress, despite some setbacks and taking a full-on break for a few days. My plan for the next few weeks was to get more comfortable with the dildo and involve my husband with the dilators. Further, I wanted to start having some conversations with my husband about the next steps with the dilator journey.
Stay tuned, because I have more to share on bringing my husband into the process and what happened when we finally decided to try having penetrative sex after taking nearly a year and a half off.
Curious about working with dilators?
Want to start with dilators but aren't sure if you're ready and where to begin?
Fed up with pain with penetration and want to reclaim your sex life?
Look no further!
I've put together a comprehensive eBook to guide you toward your goal of pain-free penetration with lichen sclerosus.
In this eBook you will learn:
If you want to chat with me about dilators or Lichen Sclerosus, I can be reached at:
Instagram: @thelostlabiachronicles
Facebook: @TheLostLabiaChronicles
Email: lostlabiachronicles@gmail.com
Do you want more support in your journey with Lichen Sclerosus? Consider joining our Lichen Sclerosus Support Virtual Meetups. We meet bi-weekly, every other Saturday from 2-4 and 7-9 pm EST. These meetups are a safe space for you to share your story, cry, celebrate, vent, ask questions, and be a part of a community of support. Click the link below to sign up!
Sign up for Lichen Sclerosus Support Virtual Meetups.
Get Dr. Heather Jeffcoat's book “Sex Without Pain” here.
*The Lost Labia Chronicles does not provide medical advice or engage in the practice of medicine. The information provided by The Lost Labia Chronicles is for education and entertainment purposes only and does not under any circumstances constitute medical advice. Please consult with your healthcare provider before making any changes to your healthcare plan.
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